Ten Ways to Avoid Writing a Book

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Note: As a procrastinator, I am guilty of them all. (Almost.)

Here are ten foolproof ways to avoid writing a book. No one wants to read your silly, romantic, true-crime novel, anyway.

  1. Be sure to stay on the Internet all day long. This is key, people. If you keep perusing Facebook and Pinterest, you’ll be sure to avoid any possibility of starting your novel. What’s important, though, is that you found out Brenda is engaged to that loser boyfriend from high school and you know how to make art out of toilet paper rolls.
  2. Diss yourself. Really lay it on thick. You need to tell yourself every day that you are not smart enough to write a self-help book. You’re not funny enough to write that bathroom joke book. You’re definitely not sentimental enough to begin that romance novel. The harsher you are on yourself, the less likely you will want to write a book.
  3. Do not read any books. This could spark inspiration and make you want to sit down at a desk and type away. You really want to avoid that. Just stay away from books completely. Besides, reading is so boring.
  4. Embrace distractions. Let them flow freely into your life. Keep that office door wide open so that your friends and family members can waltz right in at any time. If you’re going to avoid writing that memoir, you need to be readily available for anything and everything. That sno-cone stand isn’t going to be open all year long. While you’re taking that three-hour break, didn’t you need a few things from Target?
  5. Keep your phone glued to you. If you miss a text message or phone call, you’re going to really regret it. What if you didn’t have your phone nearby when your mother’s best friend’s neighbor’s daughter called you? You would’ve written a prologue, that’s what! This kind of anarchy cannot be tolerated.
  6. Block out all inspirational thoughts. When a setting for a gorgeous fantasy world taken over by robotic bears sneaks into your subconscious, get rid of it. Do not jot it down or try to remember it. The best thing to do is push it out of your mind.
  7. Keep Netflix on. It’s not every day that a person can watch fifteen episodes of Arrested Development in one sitting. If you turn off Netflix, you could miss out on something hilarious that Buster Bluth did. Sure, there’s a pause button, but we don’t want to burn it out or anything.
  8. Sleep in. You need your sleep. If you get up early and try to make the most of your day, you’re just going to be tired. You won’t really want to accomplish anything, anyway. And that’s the point, right? We’re trying to avoid writing a best seller.
  9. Stay away from bookstores. They’re full of these motivating books—like, Book in a Month or No Plot? No Problem! Who has time to write a book in a month? You certainly don’t. That sounds exhausting and could get in the way of your plans at TGI Friday’s.
  10. Finally—and this is an important one—don’t change a thing. If you try to reprioritize and make a better schedule for yourself, you’ll have a book in no time. That is unacceptable! Keep going along like you always have and do not make any goals. If you stay away from goals, you won’t have anything to disappoint you.

I hope this has helped you avoid writing a book. If it didn’t help you, then, well, I can’t wait to read your romantic true-crime novel.